Keeping the Home Fires Burning
Tracey Cox, the author of SUPERSEX points out that the world tends to divide into two types of couples:
- Those who will try anything and everything in their lovemaking
- Those who don’t really try anything at all
If we defined that a bit more clearly we may call it
- Couples that tend to be more curious, open and adventurous in their lovemaking and are willing to mix it up.
- Those who prefer to stick to a safe and predictable lovemaking routine.
She goes on to point out that, long - term couples tend to fall more often in the latter category generally as a result of
- Complacency - Don’t want to put out the effort
- Fear - Reluctant to suggest or try something new
- A misguided notion of romanticism - A perception that if you really love each other, you won’t need any “false” stimulation nonsense. Something like, “We’re beyond that game playing thing”.
It is appropriate to acknowledge that all couples will experience peaks and valleys in their sex lives due to a myriad of issues, which may include
- Physical exhaustion
- Complacency and unresolved tensions
However, in the on going discussion of sensual pleasuring and sexual satisfaction it is imperative to note that surveys also frequently reveal that
- The decline of sexual desire is often also due to boredom in the bedroom - Which may be as result of sticking to a fixed routine, which lacks imagination and playfulness.
It is interesting to note that while relationship therapists widely agree that having a great sex life is not the answer to every problem – they also readily acknowledge that
- Among happy couples, while having great sexual chemistry is seen as only one element of a good relationship, - having an unsatisfying sex - life, is most often the number one complaint in an unhappy relationship.
Further more research reveals that
- Men feel more intimately connected- in their relationships with their women when the sex is good.
- More variety in bed also equates to partners experiencing more orgasms
In fact, in cases where couple reported routinely doing three activities in bed, manual stimulation, oral stimulation and intercourse, women were twice as likely to be orgasmic than those couples that engaged in “no frills” straight intercourse. The study also revealed that doing more in bed also changes the quality of a woman’s orgasm.
- Women who experience satisfying sex and frequent orgasms feel more intimately connected with their men and desire sex more frequently.
- Couples that engage in frequent and satisfying sex tend to be more loving, playful and forgiving with each other.
So the question becomes how does a couple prevent the inevitable onset of boredom that arises when familiarity settles into predictable routine?
First by recognizing that
- Choices that may include both
- The adventure of trying something new, edgy or taboo.
- The safety and trusted comfort of a loving routine.
All the choices are delicious - it just depends on what are you are in the mood for - in the moment.
- Lobster and filet mignon would get boring if you ate it at every meal.
- Yet a constant diet of cheese and crackers wouldn’t supply the long-term nutritional firepower needed to sustain a dynamic lifestyle.
- The same is true for a dynamic love life.
“Mixing it up” is not just an invigorating choice;
It is an imperative element of sustaining sexual desire and erotic passion!
Sensual menu choices can range from
- Comfort sex
- Erotic exotic
- Slow, soft and sensual
- Raw hot and passionate
- A “Throw Down Quickie”
- Surprise me - take my breath away! - Sex
So the question becomes, “How do we get there”?
- First by understanding that - human beings are fascinated by novelty.
- Second by finding a healthy balance between the trust and comfort of routine to the edginess, risk and novelty of the unexplored.
- Lastly by dipping your toes in the unexplored regions of the pleasure pool - try something new!
As Jack Morin the author of - The Erotic Mind wisely points out
“We are most intensely excited when we are a little off-balance, uncertain, poised on the edge between ecstasy and the unknown”
A few ideas to consider
- Spice up your love life with erotic love toys – Experiment together – buy a new toy and surprise your partner – or better yet shop together – the Internet offers endless choices.
- Experience love play in new or forbidden places – Try a different room, under the stars, in the car, a quickie at a restaurant or a party. It's a big world out there the possibilities are endless!
- Try new and different sexual positions – Did you know that there is furniture designed just for that purpose? Fire up your computer and check it out.
- Introduce erotica, fantasy and role - play to your erotic menu – Harness the power of imagination.
- Schedule an evening of popcorn and porn – or champagne and erotica.
- Become adept at the art of seduction – Master the element of surprise.
- Join us in the next Sensual-icious Adventure!
Human beings are fascinated by novelty. Exploring your erotic edge as individuals and as a couple can add a playful sizzle to a lack luster love life. This is your love life – why not make it amazing?
I Think I Could Fall Madly in Bed With You!
As a rule, human beings are fascinated by love and sex and captivated by everything connected to it. Yet arguably there is no other aspect of our being that is more shrouded in mystery, surrounded by mixed messages, commercialized, demonized and left to conjecture and happen stance learning – than our own sexuality.
When I speak to people about the sexual vitality of their love relationship I am inevitably struck by the absence of discussion between partners about how they long to be loved. When it comes to questions about what they find erotic, what their favorite sexual positions are, and new ways to tantalize and tease, the discussions are minimal at best and more commonly absent altogether.
Now I’m not going to lie. When I think back on my youth - in spite of my best “good girl” intentions, some of that adolescent “back seat discovery process” was pretty damn hot!
But let’s be honest, in a committed relationship the impact of not knowing your lovers desires – or being afraid to discuss your own - leaves partners with the impossible task of trying to intuit how to love, touch and intimately connect with each other.
As much as we would like to fantasize that our lovers are so sexually intuitive that they “just know” how to fulfill our most erotic desires the truth of the matter is it just isn’t so.
Consider this quote by author Susan Crain Bakos
”Some secrets are best left unspoken, but what’s to be gained by keeping secret the means of how to increase your sexual pleasure?”
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner you better have a good hand.”
How is it that partners can know each other so well in so many other areas and yet know so little about how to make each other happy in the most human of all endeavors…sex?
A partnership that lacks the space to openly discuss both partner’s sexual desires, and the ability to give honest feedback in sexual pleasuring reduces lovemaking to acting from supposition and assumed responses. Inevitably what develops is a safe and predictable routine. Safe, yes … but satisfying? Maybe yes…maybe no.
The truth of the matter is that lovemaking that always falls into predictable routine ultimately becomes boring. Why? Because… “Formulaic” lovemaking lacks the spontaneity, imagination and playfulness that made it all so enjoyable in the first place.
I love Yvonne Fulbright’s perspective on the subject of pleasuring
“Sex is one of the few aspects of our lives where we can let go, get lost in another, and give our hearts and souls freely with abandon and delight. The only thing that trumps the sharing, connectedness, intimacy and splendor of passionate sex is having a lover, whose aim is to please, the lover who exquisitely tries to help you attain climax in as many ways as possible.”
Pleasuring - The Secrets of Sexual Satisfaction
I don’t know about you but that sounds pretty good to me!
So how do we get there?
Well, for starters, a sure fire way to increase your sensual pleasure is to -
Here are a few suggestions
- Know your own body. What turns you on? How and where do you like to be touched?
- Thoughtfully consider what you desire from your sex life and what you find sexy.
- Know what makes you feel loved - And find a means to express it.
- Be willing to create a safe and trusting space where you and your partner can openly communicate your sexual desires and vulnerabilities.
- Explore your sexual fantasies.
- Have the courage to ask for what you want.
- Be open to experiencing new and different forms of pleasuring.
- Be willing to teach your partner how to love and pleasure you.
- Allow your partner to teach you how they desire to be loved and pleasured.
To truly engage in deep love we need to have people in our lives with whom we can openly share our feelings, our hopes and dreams, vulnerabilities and fears. It is extraordinarily empowering to have someone with whom we can share the most vulnerable and intimate parts of ourselves, and know that we will still be loved.
To be received in a safe space that nurtures honest sharing without the fear of rejection or ridicule is to truly know unconditional love.
Effective and meaningful sexual communication can only occur in this kind of accepting relationship. When a partner feels safe to genuinely share how they feel and how they long to be loved, then and only then can lovers allow themselves to fully trust and open their hearts to the fullest measure of loving and being loved.
It has been said that when we fall in love we actually fall in love with three people. The person we think our lover is, the person they truly are and the person they become as a result of our love.
Creating a partnership of this nature allows partners to experience a deeper intimacy and a fuller sensual pleasuring then they have ever known and the enjoyment of a relationship that just keeps getting better with every passing year.
Men Are Supposed to Know
Women Are Afraid to Ask
Think back a moment. How and when did you learn about sex? Who was it that gave you “The Talk?”
If you are like most people, the answer is either, “Nobody gave me ‘The Talk.’ Or, “I received an abbreviated explanation of the human anatomy and conception.”
When this question is repeatedly asked, it becomes glaringly apparent that—while many people may have received a brief lesson on the physiology of reproduction—few - if any – have ever been schooled in the erotic arts of sexual intimacy and love play.
Rarely was it ever mentioned that men and women often differ in their approach to intimacy and sex. What works for a man, in the way of sexual arousal and love play, may not necessarily work for a woman, and vice versa.
To complicate matters even further, women can be very different from one to another. What works for one woman in the way of sexual pleasuring may not work for another. Clearly, in this department, it’s not a one-size-fits-all model.
Now, let’s consider how that plays out for a man
By nature, most men
- Pride them selves on being competent, strong and efficient
- Are purpose driven - goal and results oriented
As a result, when faced with achieving an objective, it is understandable that men often gravitate to implementing a trusted formula, which they know will produce the desired results…as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Now, the operative words quickly and efficiently are positive within some endeavors, but in the bedroom…maybe not so much.
Reasonably enough, once a ”formula” has yielded successful results, many men will seek to use “the formula” repetitively, expecting to produce the same results—each and every time. Again, that might be a smart strategy when applied at the workplace or in the garage, but it is, perhaps, an unreasonable expectation in the department of sensual pleasuring.
Now, let’s add one more bit of information to the equation. I honestly don’t know where the idea came from—whether or not it is through cultural conditioning—but why is it that men are naturally supposed to…”just know” how to do certain things?
- How to drive somewhere they have never been before, without benefit of a map or directions? Definitely a male expectation.
- “Just knowing” how to fix things? Definitely, a female expectation.
- Think about it: The last time your car wouldn’t start, did you ever consider asking another woman to take a peek under the hood and tell you what she thought was wrong?
But ask a man to fix something and watch him turn himself inside out trying to do it for you. Why?
Well, for two reasons
Because a man’s - just supposed to know - how to do certain things.
Often, even he is convinced that he should “just know” how to do or fix things. And many men pride themselves on being competent enough to do just that. For example, when you are sharing your concerns with your guy, he will be probably be listening for either the point or the problem. Why? So he can fix it and why does he want to fix it?
Because, in his heart of hearts, he truly wants to be your knight in shining armor.
- “I’m just supposed to know how to do things” belief.
- Plus a man’s need to prove his competence.
- In combination with his genuine desire to take care of his woman.
- Creates a formula that makes it nearly impossible for any man to broach the subject of how to be a better lover.
Why? Well because…he’s “just supposed to know” how to do things!
Things like: how to sexually please a woman. Right?
Because, even though no one ever bothered to teach him how a woman longs to be touched, cared for or loved…he’s a man, and he is “just supposed to know.”
Now let’s look at how this plays out for a woman
Throughout the past 100 years, men have largely dominated the cultural battleground over women’s bodies and sexuality.
In her book, My Secret Garden, Nancy Friday observed
“Women’s lust has always been feared as an extraordinary force that, left unbridled, could bring down not only individuals but society itself.“
That bridling comes early and continues throughout a woman’s life, in lessons (that she learns well), concerning her body and her acceptable role(s) in society.
For centuries, women struggled to fulfill the culturally mandated role of the “passive feminine being,” devoid of any sexual desire. Women were always the “silent sex” and society dictated what was appropriate for them to feel.
The thought that women were even capable of sexual arousal was a blow to traditional ideologies, much less the thought that they were/are desirous of sexual gratification. These ideas are relatively new considerations in the cultural consciousness.
To this day, as sexually liberated as our society purports to be, women still struggle with feelings of guilt and shame when they feel they have fallen short of the “ideals of womanhood”…ideals that continue to include the notion of “nice girl, good daughter.”
Consequently women often struggle with the task of trying to make sense of what it means to be a woman in light of traditional values, while sorting out the essence of what it truly “means to be me.”
Nowhere is this struggle more poignant than in the tender ground of a woman’s sexuality. As much as we would like to believe otherwise, old (cultural) ideologies don’t fade quietly into the night; they die slow protracted deaths, with lingering effects that echo down the halls of generations to follow.
So, is it any wonder that a woman may lack the confidence to acknowledge what she sexually desires, and then be courageous enough to ask for it?
And once she is finally willing to acknowledge her desires, she often struggles with the task of how to communicate that desire to her partner in a way that won’t hurt his/her feelings, disempower him/her, or shut him/her down altogether.
So why is that?
Because your woman loves you and in her heart of hearts—in addition to longing for your love and approval—she sincerely wants to be the object of your heart’s desire.
Only when both sexes can release the inhibiting beliefs of culturally dictated norms and expectations - can we begin to explore and experience life and love as the innately sensual beings that we truly are.
The permission to reclaim the innately sensual essence of our humanity and the ability to recognize it as a natural, vital and nurturing aspect of life is yours to bestow…not only to your partner but, first and foremost, to yourself.